A few musical jokes for you. If you are easily offended, I suggest you don’t read any further …!!
“Flute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.”
How do you get two flute players to play in unison?
You know you’ve been playing flute too long when:
You tongue while whistling.
You hold pens upright on your knee.
You can play four different Bbs.
Your biggest accomplishment of the day is getting all the spit off the top of the inside of the head joint.
What’s the definition of a minor second?
Two flutists playing in unison.
Why did the sax player play so many wrong notes?
Because he kept ignoring the key signature– he thought it was a suggestion.
What did the sax player get on his IQ test?
How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to do it, and four to comment on how David Sanborn would have done it.
When should a saxophonist change his reed?
Whenever a difficult section comes up in the music score.
What’s the difference between a violin and a viola?
There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist’s head is so much bigger.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
How do you make a double bass sound in tune?
Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.
How long does a harp stay in tune?
About 20 minutes, or until someone opens a door.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
How many clarinettists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he’ll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.
What is a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn’t.
How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?
He doesn’t know how to use the slide, and he can’t swing.
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don’t have to retrain the drummers.
What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always slows down.
How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him some sheet music.
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None–they just steal somebody else’s light.
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the guitarist has to show him first.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
Would you like fries with that?
What happens if you play blues music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
What does it say on a blues singer’s tombstone?
“I didn’t wake up this morning…”
“The clarinet is a musical instrument the only thing worse than which is two.”
– The Devil’s Dictionary, by Ambrose Bierce
“The flute is not an instrument which has a good moral effect – it is too exciting.” ARISTOTLE